kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
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My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Thursday Thought.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone