[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
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A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.