You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
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Fluff me with a fork baby
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.