Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
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He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.