*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
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When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂