SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
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Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Spring cleaning checklist…
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.