I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
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Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
#TopTip
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough