I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
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I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Was it something I said?
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
If only.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.