Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
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me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.