Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
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I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
What the hell is going on?
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!