Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
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I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Found my door mat
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”