My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
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My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit