If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
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“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl