When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
You Might Also Like
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down