Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
You Might Also Like
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
happy valentine’s day to me
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!