Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
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I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare