judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
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*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out