“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
You Might Also Like
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y