If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
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I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
A great tip. #CakeRex
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up