My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
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I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
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⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Remember folks 😂
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.