You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
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me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what