DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
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Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
😆this is so true
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.