I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
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Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
My what?