[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
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[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes