At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
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First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along