A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
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I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Every photo I’m tagged in
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
I didn’t realize that was an option
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.