Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
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Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Rt to bother an English speaker
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.