I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
You Might Also Like
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Every time my phone rings
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.