TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
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Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs