Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
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Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Before crowbars crows drank alone
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me