ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
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If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Merica.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.