Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
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The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Van Gone
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
💁🏻♂️
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Lmao 🤣
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
😩😩😩
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.