model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
You Might Also Like
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Happy weekend !
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.