*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
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I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Previously On Persistence 😎
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats