*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
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I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart