Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
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I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.