I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
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Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Tell the colonel to bring it
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.