Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
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Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Saw your ex at the shops
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.