Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
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Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.