your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
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All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*