Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
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Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
the icebreaker
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.