is this a threat
You Might Also Like
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these