[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
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“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”