Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
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Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun