I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
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Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”