You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
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I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
okay run it by me one more time
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
The pen is writier than the sword.