Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
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Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.