her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
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When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes