Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
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Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
me when the borders lift
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
If snakes were wide
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.