“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
You Might Also Like
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.